We may even keep your name on our active membership rolls even though you resigned in writing or died 40 years ago in order to increase our social proof and credibility and allow the false cultural myth of being the fastest-growing podcast on the earth (also claimed by the Scientologists, actually true of Islam) to linger for another 10 years. We’re sure you understand and even if you don’t who the hell are you to question The Lord?
Our infalliable leaders may unilaterally change this policy from time to time by updating this page. You should check this page from time to time to ensure that you are happy with any changes. Not that it really matters, as you don’t get a say in the matter. Our policies are determined through direct revelation from the Lord. Best case, our policies will be brought before the church as a whole in a nominal vote or sham, called sustaining, wherein you will be presented with the two options of raising your hand to publicly display your commitment to total obedience, or to raise your hand in opposition which has happened like 3 times in the site’s history because everyone stares at you and it’s really embarrassing, so just don’t do it, okay?
What we collect
We may collect the following information:
- Birth name
- New name
- contact information including email address
SecretSacred Temple Tokens, Signs, and Death Oaths
- demographic information such as postcode, preferences and interests
- other information relevant to customer surveys and/or offers
What we do with the information we gather
We require this information to understand your needs and provide you with a better service, and in particular for the following reasons:
- Internal record keeping.
- We may use the information to improve our products and services.
- We may periodically send promotional emails about new products, special offers or other information which we think you may find interesting using the email address which you have provided.
- From time to time, we may also use your information to contact you for market research purposes. We may contact you by email, phone, fax, missionary, bishop, Relief Society women with HUGE hair, pass-along card, anonymous passive-aggressive note, or postal mail. We may use the information to customise the website according to your interests, or whatever keeps you paying 10% of your income, whichever is greater.