First of all, stop calling them Mormon Magic Underwear! As if the confusion and uproar over our cherished beliefs doesn’t make us big enough martyrs, latter-day saints are also misunderstood, mocked, and telestial-wedgied by the liberal media for the sacred vestments we wear as an invisible reminder of obedience underneath of our suits and dresses where we can’t see them.
While Mormons’ magic underwear may appear to the non-spiritual eye to be those things that Kobe Bryant wears under his shorts, their proper name is “The Garment of the Holy Priesthood,” like Steve Young wears under his shorts.
And they’re no laughing matter. There’s nothing magical about them…their protective properties are strictly supernatural. So while many refer to them as magic underwear, most card-carrying mormons believe they really do protect you from physical harm–at least over the portions of your body they cover.
Why they stopped making the one-pieces that cover your entire body to the wrists and ankles is beyond me, but I suppose forearms and calves are expendable when it comes to serving the Lord.
But I digress.
Isn’t Mormon Underwear Uncomfortable?
This is precisely why we’re here to correct all that anti-mormon propaganda. The truth is, we upgrade them every 40 years when they get embarrassingly uncomfortable—just like our doctrines.
As one raving fan commented:
“If you have ever worn the modern ones, you should appreciate the distance these have come. When I first got married they came in a one-piece get-up with a wide neck so you could step into them.”
Mormon Magic Underwear for the Win!
Anyway, I revere my mormon underwear so highly, and with such devotion and respect, that the only time they’re not gracing my taint and underballs is when I’m swimming, exercising, showering, and engaging in procreation-oriented activities with my wife, as we’ve been instructed in the holy temple and holy Blue Handbook.
I’m referring of course to how to wear the mormon garments appropriately–not how to procreate. We got that one down.
Our leaders would never take it upon themselves to micromanage what goes on in the bedroom of a grown man and wife…unless you count condemning oral sex between married couples as an unholy and impure practice, but that’s a given.
It is my hope and prayer that you are now a little more educated about mormon undergarments and the sacred purpose they serve of reminding us that we have covenanted in the temple to consecrate ourselves, our time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed us, or with which he may bless us, to the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for the building up of the Kingdom of God on the earth…and for the establishment of Zion Zion Zion Zion [authoritative echo].
Stay tuned for more articles and videos proving that we’re totally normal just like you.
Till next time…Stay worthy, Brothers and Sisters!
Spencer L. Jensen,
Proud Bearer of Mormons’ Magic Underwear