Hi Brothers and Sisters! I’m Spencer, the host of the critically-acclaimed internet radio show, True Believing Mormons—dedicated as always to putting intellectuals, feminists, homosexuals, and other enemies of Christ’s only church (The Mormons) in their proper place by putting a faith-promoting spin on what are often referred to as weird mormon beliefs with boldness through the Holy Spirit.
But before we get to that, I’d like to point out several ways in which I believe nonmembers like yourself could use some clarification on just what our so-called crazy Mormon beliefs really are. This is the very question that has been asked since our founder and Prophet Joseph Smith first got out of the treasure-hunting business and began pulling sacred relics from the past like the Book of Mormon out of the earth instead.
You see, we Mormons have a deep, rich heritage of polarizing beliefs, stronger commitment, higher values, and lots and lots of busy work—thanks to our common, cherished doctrines that compel us to perpetual, unabating sacrifice and service.
As part of our online missionary program, fueled by our insatiable need to protect our collective image, allow me to set the proverbial record straight on a few crazy mormon beliefs about Jesus, black people, becoming Gods, how masturbation causes homosexuality, etc.
I promise our beliefs are much less comically crazy than portrayed in that preposterous Book of Mormon Musical, yet another pathetic attempt at making our unquestioning faith in the unbelievable look strange.
So What ARE Strange Mormon Beliefs?
First of all, a lot of our friends and neighbors see us as extremely nice people with good family values, but have admitted under eavesdropping that something about us just seems a little…off.
Off-ly righteous, that is! You see, Mormons believe that part of the path to exaltation is to spend an inordinate amount of free time involved in Mormon church programs, 100% certain in the infallibility of our so-called weird Mormon beliefs because of our unquestioning obedience to our prophet and his 14 apostles. (See, we even have more apostles than The Bible!)
According to our beliefs and Mormon culture, these inspired men dictate to The Lord’s excruciatingly high standard of detail the correct way to think, act, and feel. Anger is bad. Obedience is good. And Questioning—whether a thought, feeling, OR action—is bad, bad, bad. I suppose a culture that shuns awareness and authentic ownership of its past sound a little crazy in this day and age of internet transparency and low trust in multi-billion-dollar corporations. But having seen many righteous brothers and sisters begin to question mormon beliefs and historical claims and slide down the slippery slope of apostasy, I just can’t stress the word “bad” enough. Stick to the approved manual and you’ll be fine.
For this reason, doubting or asking the wrong questions is discouraged and even punished, depending on the extent and depth of the thinking involved. I know, it sounds strange at first, right? But that’s how the Lord chooses to teach his children. Now what’s really crazy is the fact that…
Exmormons are using our changing beliefs & history against us!
Of course, every family has to disown at least one of their children, and God wants these guys out of the house pronto so the Holy Ghost has an environment suitable in which to dwell. These strange, faithless Judases are always murmuring about “historical cover-ups” this and “the Mormon church uses thought control” that…My advice is to ignore them as their claims can be safely dismissed with sufficient knee-jerk assaults on their character and motives.
Oh, and watch out for those fetching “liberal” and “intellectual” Mormons who accept facts as facts but still continue to attend church for family reasons. Or perhaps it’s some weak effort at finding a fantasy “middle way” between what mormons believe—the high standards the Lord has set for us—and the appalling acts of worldliness and degradation you are probably familiar with outside of the church.
LOL…as if mormon beliefs have any wiggle room for lukewarm, rational interpretation. For as our beloved prophet Ezra Taft Benson taught, “When our leaders speak, the thinking has been done.” I know that this is true with every fiber of my being–for I am a Mormon; and a Mormon just…believes.
So…with all that said, I’m glad we could get better acquainted on the subject. I’m sure mormons and our beliefs don’t sound so strange to you now, right? … Right?
RIGHT?!!!?
Excellent…I’m often speechless, too, when the holy ghost causes my bosom to burn. I believe my work here as a humble servant of the one and only Mormon God is done. Hopefully you’re a little more up to speed on weird mormon beliefs and practices now than you were before.
While you’re here, I challenge you to look through the many faith-promoting articles and videos that faithful Mormons have created under the church’s insistence that all members extend their annoying proselyting practices towards clogging search engine results and content as well, following the example of the More Good Foundation and other fearless defenders of open access to information from all sides. Help us beat Satan and his apostate groupies at their own game, by throwing documented historical facts back at THEM for a change. For if truth is on our side, what have we to fear?
Or, if you can’t wait for more gospel goodness at its most correctness, download our Celestial Checklist for Eternal Pregnancy & Polygamy.
And don’t forget to Fan Us on Facebook. A few more converts this month and we can claim to be the fastest-growing podcast in the world!
Until then…Stay worthy, Brothers and Sisters!
Spencer L. Jensen,
Fearless Defender of Weird Mormon Beliefs
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- Mormon Religion Beliefs Under Attack!
- Mormon Beliefs About Black People
- Mormon Beliefs on Eternal Families
- Mormon Apologetics Flawlessly Defends Our Beliefs
- Mormon Messages Good…Contrary Information Bad
- Interview with a Gay Mormon on Our Beliefs
- Download Your “Celestial Checklist for Eternal Pregnancy & Polygamy!”
